Is really just going entirely way to fast these days. I haven't blogged for a very long time and I'm really not going to do much catching up because well lets just be honest most of you know my life through Instagram or Facebook. There is one thing I feel that I need to write about and more so for myself so that I might not forget the details of this life event because a year has already passed and I can feel my brain forgetting the littlest moments. So lets get this thing started!
This is my son's birth story as I remember it almost a year ago (insert cry face here)
Today one year ago (thanks timehop!), I walked into my doctors appointment hoping for new news if any at all. I remember him saying you look like you are done being pregnant and at the time I was. I was already dilated to 1cm and I was 50% effaced. so to my disappointment this was no new news. That day was the day Bryan and I together decided with Dr Filozof that if Tanner had not decided to meet us by August 29th 2013 then I would come in at 6am and have a Cytotec induction. I left the appointment with a bit of excitement knowing that in 2 short weeks we would finally meet the precious gift God had given to us, but on the other hand uh holy crap I had a date a real date that I had to do this, that it was going to happen if it was his time to come or not and I had this awful sinking feeling about making him come when and if he wasn't ready. I will add to this that I trusted dr Filozof 110% I knew that he had watched me so very close for 9 months and that he would never do anything to harm me or this precious life I was so ready to meet! So as all the rest of the world population I came home and googled the medicine they would be putting me on to soften my cervix to start the real party. Of course if you google anything medical your dying or your going to die, I personally didn't like what I read about this medicine. I currently know women who have had this done and nothing bad happened..... Oh google you educate me in such a scary way. I became very uneasy about the idea of induction and I really didn't know what to do about it but to just pray, and pray hard for the next 2 weeks.
FAST FORWARD!
8-28-13.
The sad part is I couldn't tell you what I did this day and maybe it was nothing. I will tell you as every woman knowing what is going to happen the next day feel, excitement along with being scared out of your head because any number of things could happen. I remember needing to be alone with my belly for the last time really spend time with the little person I had the privilege of growing in my womb for the last 9 months, the little person that I have loved and felt move and heard its heartbeat. I remember feeling an overwhelming feeling of being so over blessed that my cup just poured over! So I ran a bath and I sat in it and I spent I know every bit of an hour to an hour and a half rubbing my belling feeling him move for the last times within my womb (yes I'm currently crying while typing this) this very moment of my life has been one of the most special times. I spent this time talking to him telling him that this time tomorrow he would finally get to meet his mommy and daddy and that we had waited oh so very long to meet him! I spent every minute of this time rubbing my belly praying.... I prayed a prayer of asking the Lord to be with my delivery and to be with me and to place his hands on me give me the calmness I need to do this huge thing I have to do tomorrow and I asked him with such an honest heart please Lord let me do this on my own, I'm scared of the drugs and I asked him to please if it was meant to be Tanners birthday to let him do this on his own. I never wanted that beautiful moment to end but of course it had too.
I remember telling Bryan can you believe in the morning we go in to have our son?! And By this time it was bed time. I spent most of the night in pain (back pain) but I also tried to make myself sleep as much as possible because I knew I needed to rest for only God knew what tomorrow held for me. I tossed and turned and I didn't feel like I got much sleep.
8-29-13
I decided that around 4:45am I would just get up get ready get the car packed and head to the hospital, still all my thoughts were in prayer, constantly praying that this would all happen on its own. I got up to go pee and when I sat down I had a gush of water, I knew something was weird. I remember thinking well that wasn't normal and why am I still leaking is this a weird pregnancy thing no one told me about? When I wiped there was a tad bit of blood and I remember thinking ok what they heck?! I remember thinking maybe my water just broke. I got up ran in and told Bryan I know we aren't supposed to be there until 6 but im bleeding and I think we need to go down... all the while my back was hurting I remember taking long pauses breathing through the pain that was every little bit. God had answered my littlest prayer. He let August 29th be Tanners birthday because Tanner was ready to meet us just as we were ready to meet him!
Around 6 or 6:30 we got to labor and delivery I told them I was scheduled to be induced but I was pretty sure my water had broke. They made me change into the awesome green gown everyone just loves, they asked me a million questions that I don't even remember and hooked up my IV. I posted a picture to instagram from my bed saying let the process begin. I once again told the nurse my water broke I'm leaking fluid, she said ok we will check to make sure. She came in with the swab and said It sure did! At 7 the nurses changed, my new nurse I wasn't so sure about I couldn't really get a good vibe from her, my bed was broken which caused us all to laugh because she couldn't lower my bed. She came in and they started my Pitocin (the devil juice!) my pains still in my back started coming in more frequent and more painful waves. She came in every half hour and said time to up it a little more, I told her I wasn't her friend and that she really didn't have too. These pains got a little stronger a little longer and I remember laying on my side just working through them. My nurse comes in and says the anesthesiologist is on the floor and if you'd like to have an epidural you need to get it now. I'm not one to have made plans or a birth plan because I knew anything could happen and I didn't want to be disappointed by anything that day but I had only been doing this labor thing for what 4-5 hours? I did have the goal to go as long as I could or try to see how far I could go without the epidural so I asked the nurse I said I really wanted to wait can you check me and see where I am? she said sure. When she checked me she sadly reported to be that I was still only a 2. A 2?!! What in the world! Why am I not any farther than a 2?!?! She quickly says to me, You are 100% effaced you are ready to have this baby, I recommend you get this epidural you will relax and you will dilate! So I quickly but with a sincere feel of let down for myself said OK. The man came in and I was very nervous about this part not because of needles but I was more scared of the stories that It didn't work or the ones women say I had an awful headache or it only worked for half my body. He was extremely nice he asked me what the baby was and if we had a name he made some funny comment but today I cant remember what it was, I think I was having a contraction at the time and I wasn't really in the mood to laugh or even look at anyone. I sat up on the edge of the bed Bryan in front of me and the nurse to the side. The anesthesiologist explained everything he was going to do as he was doing it I remember getting the first shot to numb the area. I remember him telling me ok im going to give this just a second and Im going to do the next one and I need you to sit as still as you possibly can, as Im going through a contraction im thinking Oh geesh I do not want to mess this up. Bryan held me tight and the nurse too and I tried with all my might every part of me didn't want to move when he placed the needle in my back I lunged just a little and he said try really hard not to move. OK OK I was trying as best I could! I remember it being the weirdest feeling I've ever felt! I felt the feeling go down my left leg. It was over, they laid me back on the bed and I had instructions not to move or even lift my head for a half hour so I did as I was told and I didn't move. A half hour went by, Sorry I don't really remember the times I'm guessing this was probably around 10 am maybe. She came in and checked me I had quickly progressed to a 6!!! I said a 6 already???? she said I told you, you were ready to have this baby! She then said he is turned the wrong way so what I'm going to do is lay you on your left side with your knee drawn clear up to your chest as far as you can bring it. So I did. I laid there for what felt like a good half hour or maybe longer at this point I had lost track of time and I hadn't looked at the clock since we came into the hospital. I could feel Tanners head turning and gushes of what I thought was water. I told Bryan through my tears I said please call her and ask her to come check me Im hurting! She came in and when she pulled back the blankets to my surprise was blood. Now from my point of view not really knowing what was going on I kind of hit shock. She checked me and said your a 10 LETS HAVE A BABY. Crying I said time to have a baby really already?! I told Bryan I'm not ready, but to my surprise my body was totally ready. The room was such a hustle and bustle Marissa grabbed the camera my mom found her texting corner so she could keep everyone updated. my found his spot beside me and the nurses all found their spots. Isn't this supposed to take hours and hours and hours? This is my first baby, this is all going so fast. Refer back to my prayer just the night before that I would be calm and The Lords hand would be on me through this and I totally believe he was right there the whole time! So let the pushing begin! I remember her telling me to push and counting for me....Bryan holding one leg and a nurse holding another. I remember another few rounds of good long...1-10 pushes, after one of those long pushes I laid back and I could still feel his feet in my ribs he was kicking me. The nurses couldn't believe I could still feel him! I remember my mom telling Marissa to go and she quickly left then a nurse ran in and said she's passed out in the hall way. I stopped everything...All I could think was is she ok!? I was quickly told they would take care of her I had to concentrate on having this baby. She came back into the room camera in hand! (she did an amazing job capturing all of my most precious moments!) The nurse said she could see his hair and Bryan (whom said he would never look) looked and said AW! he has hair! I was quickly told to stop pushing that Dr Filozof was in the next room delivering a baby and I had to wait. WHAT?! I have to WAIT?! this baby is coming! I do not remember how long I laid there before he came into my room got ready and talked me through my final pushes, telling me I was doing a great job. Then all of a sudden I had this empty feeling, he was out, the feeling that something that had been a part of me for 9 months had just left my body. It was a feeling of relaxation and a flood of tears a feeling of it was over he was finally here. Dr filozof laid him on me so Bryan could cut the cord and I quickly realized he was blue. This moment felt like an eternity. The cord was wrapped around his neck. I told Bryan to hurry because I could see the panic in the nurses eyes. through my tears I kept saying Bryan hurry. They rushed Tanner away and I just laid there for what felt like forever saying He's not crying, Why isn't he crying! Please Cry.... Bryan pleading saying come on buddy you can do it. I heard Dr filozof say come on buddy, I heard sucking and the nurse smacking his little feet and then I head the most beautiful sound I could ever hear, the cry I had been longing to hear my whole life. My mom told me he had red hair and I cried (yes I cried and cried) Stitching me up Dr looked up and said just what's wrong with red hair and I said nothing. After I was done with what had to be done with me, They handed me my son. I thought I loved him, I thought I knew what love was. This new love washed over me and filled my heart a love I had never knew even existed! A love I truly can not put into words. Here he was the little man I had waited 9 months to meet, born at 11:42AM weighing 7.3 being 21 inches long. He is my son. Family poured in to meet him and love him.
I can not believe this has almost been a year ago and it feels like just yesterday I felt every emotion all over again writing this out, and I hope that you can feel all the emotions as you read this. Most people are already saying when is the next one going to happen?? Honestly 1. Not until Bryan is done with school. and 2. I have to be ready, like I told Bryan its not that I have baby fever I just miss my baby being a baby. He is my baby right now.
Until next time......
Miranda
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